Wandering Souls

The Wandering Souls inhabit the realm of Scarlet Crusade on the world of Azeroth. This motley band of disparate characters strive to improve their lot in life, or the afterlife (depending on whether you are an undead or not), and that of their guildmates.

Friday, April 28, 2006

A Fine Mess

Earlier today, you would have had quite a sight if you had been fishing along the shoreline of the lake between Tirisfal Glades and Silverpine. An overladen bat came hurtling across the lake from the direction of Hillsbrad. It was attempting to carry two raucous undeads on its back. You could hear a loud “Wheeeeeeee!” as they disappeared from sight heading toward the Undercity.



Eatem: Dammit Atohne!

Atohne: What?

Eatem: It’s all your fault. I can’t believe you talked me into climbing on a bat with you again and flying to the Undercity. Those bats are just not meant to carry two people.

[Editor's Note: Atohne and Eatem should really avoid sharing aerial transport. Find out why in these posts from a year or so ago: Tempting Fate & Anniversary ]

Atohne: Well, I didn’t have to do much talking. I just barely whispered that it might be fun and you got all wound up and insisted we do it right then and there!

Eatem: You got me drunk and I wasn’t thinking straight. You took advantage of my inebriated state!

Atohne: Well you seemed to enjoy the flight. You were laughing and cheering the whole way. They must have heard us from all over Hillsbrad and the Alterac Valley as we flew over.

Eatem: Yeh, well it was fun! At least till we experienced that sickening crunch as we struck the Scarlet Crusade’s tower on our approach to the tunnel leading into the Undercity. We might have handled a few broken bones, but what caused that massive explosion as we fell down inside the tower amongst those crusaders?

Atohne: It seems hard to imagine, but I actually think the explosion was caused by my mechanical squirrel.

Eatem: Really? The one you got from Kiyo yesterday?

Atohne: Yeh, wasn’t he cute. I named him Chip and asked Kiyo if he could make me another that I could name Dale. But, he seemed to be in a hurry and said he couldn't hang around. And now I don’t know, these squirrels seem kind of unstable!

Eatem: That’s for sure. It made a mess of this tower. There were pieces of us and scarlet crusaders all over the place.

Atohne: I’m sure glad they found that mortician’s card I put in your pocket the other day.

Eatem: Glad! ... Did you say glad? Look what he did to us!

Atohne: Yeh, it’s awesome. It's great to be a man again. I've kind of been missing something, if you know what I mean. I’m also feeling pretty buff, let’s go kill something!

Eatem: Hmmmm... I bet we can even go into Ironforge or Stormwind and join one of their teams headed into the battlegrounds. High Warlord Peebah never let us into the fray on our side. He said we’d just muck it up! I suppose, it might be fun to muck up the Alliance! We’d be weapons of mass confusion! Just imagine the possibilities.

Atohne: For the Horde!

Eatem: No, that’s not gonna work. Let’s work on that now… How about “For the Alliance!

Atohne: Doesn’t have the right ring to it. I think they say something else. Maybe this: “Elune be Praised!

Eatem: I think only the night elves say that, but I'm not sure. So, what is Elune anyway?

Atohne: I think it’s something that drips out of their noses. They rub it on their ears to make them shiny!

Eatem: Well, let’s get going. We’re burning daylight and I want to find that Mortician later and see if we can get things straightened out!

The pair headed for the blimp station to catch a ride to Stranglethorn where they could gain easy access to the Alliance travel network. Atohne was singing as she walked ---- "I'm too sexy, too sexy for my skin! I'm too sexy,..."

~ Atohne

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Conspiracy

The warm rain was drumming loudly on the dock as the priest stepped off the boat at Booty Bay. She held her robe to keep it from getting wet and attempted to fade into the background and avoid being seen. However, her lithe figure was still quite apparent due to the rainwater that streamed down her face and clothes. Precautions were probably uneccessary, as the docks were nearly empty because all but the most foolish had sought shelter in the shops or Inn.

She slipped quietly into the Inn, followed a moment later by an Orcish rogue who broke stealth just as she came in through the doorway. They approached a druid and another rogue at a table in the corner. She was shocked to see the large number of people that crowded the Inn. However, most everyone was at the bar elbowing each other out of the way and attempting to get the attention of the barkeeper.

Jembai: Why did you pick this spot to meet, Shaine?

Shaine: It’s convenient and the goblins have learned to keep their mouths shut. It’s the only way for them to be able to do business with both Alliance and Horde. Besides, no barmaid is going to overhear us. I’ve come here countless times and if you don’t serve yourself you don’t get served.

Locksahn: Did you bring a picture of my target?

Gorkah: I’ve got it. I took it in the Undercity as she was giving everyone a preview of her new clothes. I could barely suppress my giggling as I considered how convenient she made it to get an updated photo for you.

She slipped the photo across the table, and the other rogue glanced at it before slipping it into his pocket.

Shaine: How much is this going to cost us?

Locksahn: Don’t worry about that, a certain fire mage is covering my fees. I won’t mention his name and I don’t remember all his reasons. He whispered them in my ear, but I was too busy wiping the drool from my shoulders to hear all of it. He mentioned something about lack of healing, multiple deaths, suicide missions to Ironforge and something else I didn’t quite understand. He said something about getting his body back. Sounds like nonsense to me and he was a little drunk. But, tell me! Why are you three involved in this?

Jembai: We’re all competing in the Azerothian Fashion Show. The Horde semifinals are to be held next week at the arena here in Stranglethorn. The Alliance will have theirs the next week and the Fashion Queen of all Azeroth will be chosen a week after that.

Locksahn: But why target this one undead priest? You’ll be contesting against hundreds of others, plus each other!

They, at first, look furtively at each other and then Shaine sat up looking innocent of evil thoughts.

Shaine: Atohne doesn’t deserve a shot at this contest. For one thing, she kept her old clothes and thus with a simple wardrobe change, she has an excellent shot at winning both categories – “The best and worst dressed person in all of Azeroth

Jembai, Gorkah: It just isn’t fair!

Gorkah: She wouldn’t even have a shot at it, if she hadn’t gotten help from others! ((*She contemplates her gouge, backstab maneuver on Kaind*))

Locksahn: But why you, Shaine? I would think you’d be better off entering the Alliance competition. Maalir told me that the night elves are wild about female Taurens. She said something about the Night Elf women looking and dancing like sluts, but that was just for show and that the human females are dumber than hayseeds!

Gorkah: Speaking of Maalir, I think a group of night elves might have kidnapped her, but I’m not so sure. Last time I saw her, she was partying it up with a group of them at the inn in Goldshire. She said something about having her own little harem.

Shaine: I just hope she doesn’t show up wearing her colorful kilt. ((*grumbles*)) That might give me some serious competition. [Editor's note: Shaine has reason for concern. Here's a photo of Maalir in her kilt.]

Locksahn: Why don’t you just do the job yourself, Gorkah?

Gorkah: Well, people keep reminding me that you do put out a little more damage than me and besides, if I break stealth, someone might recognize me. I’d be disqualified for sure!

Jembai: We thought about getting a hold of a fellow named Kiyotimun. We heard he was a master with explosives. I’m sure Atohne would absolutely love receiving a little mechanical squirrel that explodes when it’s fed a few walnuts. However, we heard you’re cheaper and besides it sounds like you were going to do the job for that unnamed fire mage anyway.

Shaine: I love it when a plan comes together!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Atohne's Makeover - Part I

Last week a few souls were gathered around the pond at Thunder Bluff, fishing and toasting a few gnomes on the Barbie. They told tales of all the awesome loot that had dropped during the week and who was leader of the damage dealing. The conversation eventually got around to the difficulty that some of the groups were having finding a priest to group with them….

Kiyotimun: Well, there’s always Atohne. She’s available quite a bit.

Locksahn: I’ve heard she even healed someone besides the main tank once. Not that I’d know of course.

Ikavi: Honestly, have you guys taken a look at her ensemble lately? She aggroes the mobs from 100 yards out and turns them into a seething mob with only one thought – “Tear those clothes into shreds!

Shaine: Yeh, the robes are atrocious. And that shirt, blech! If Atohne comes along, I just eat a little Darnassian Bleu cheese. Anything heavier and I can’t keep it down.

Jodmos: Isn’t that the shirt that you wanted, Shaine? I heard she ninja looted it out from under you.

Shaine: I merely wanted to keep her from wearing it. You know, one for all and all for one and all that!

Decaflame: There’s another problem with inviting Atohne. If she comes along, most of the time you have to put up with that partner of hers, Eatem!

Paflabaf: Between Eatem’s pyroblasting and Atohne’s looks, it’s impossible for a warrior to hold aggro!

Gorkah: It’s also hard to stealth, when you slip and fall in Eatem’s drool.

Shaine: You know, I saw her get a pattern the other day for a decent looking robe! If we goad her a little, we might get her to grind a little bit and gather the mats for making it!

Jodmos: Let’s give her the mats to make it! It’ll be worth it for all of us.

Kiyotimun: Just because you’re running Molten Core every other day doesn’t mean we’re all swimming in big pots of gold! But, I might even cough up a sheckel or two for the cause.

Paflabaf: I bet Daxisil might even be able to supply a bit of mooncloth!

Locksahn: Personally, I think we’d be better off just waiting around for Jembai to show up or helping Skall level up.

~ Atohne

P.S.: Stay tuned for the next installment --- Atohne's Makeover - Part II

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

So Who is the Best Engineer?

The Best Engineer in Azeroth....pfft

Kiyotimun;I be dang if I fall prey to that malarky about Winghong being the best engineer in Azeroth. I have been a practicing engineer on a full time basis and if I am not mistaken the first Almighty Superior Goblin Engineer in the Wandering Souls. Heck, I came over here with that title from the Dungeoneers!!! I will show them all who is the better engineer. Dang this is a long walk to the hanger....

Leper Gnome; Hey you there, yeah you, what are you doing near that flying machine!!!!

Kiyotimun; Who me? Nothing just admiring this wonderful peace of Engineering!!! Hey I recognize what this is.

Leper Gnome; don't touch that now give it to me!!

Kiyotimun; No I know what it is, leave me alone......Don't touch me.....I said........WHACK....SPLAT........Huh... Sorry, but I said don't touch me....(this makes things easier anyway).

So Kiyotimun arrives at Gnomeragan where the plan to show all of Azeroth who the better engineer is, is to take place. He finds his proposed target. There she sat, the flying machine. So to prove his might and skills as the Engineer of the millennium, Kiyotimun has hashed up some plan to sabotage the flying machine. This will prove to all of Azeroth who is the best. First the plan is to rewrite the Instruction Manual, just enough to make it tough. But if that is not enough he has placed a Mithril Frag bomb under the seat and has it set to activate at 100 ft and to detonate if flown under 100ft after 10 seconds above 100ft. That should prove his might as the Master of Goblin Engineering. Why waste a perfectly good arcanite bar on such a trivial explosive. When the Goblin Engineering Schematic handbook has plenty of great substitutes. So he arrives and goes to work........

In case you cant read the insert ( Lets see....Mithril Frag bomb under seat.... set to activate 100......Set to detonate 100.....That'll show him

Just as he is finishing up his diabolical scheme he hears some people coming and dodges behind what is left of a mechanical patrol bot.

Kiyotimun; Wait a minute I know those guys, what are they doing here? Why do they have Winghongs arcanite bomb? Where is Winghong?......(hears talking but cant make it out....(refer to The Commando Mission)....Oh my goodness what are they doing? (loud propeller now to loud to hear anything else) WAIT EATEM GET OUT OF THERE!!!!

Kiyotimun; Dang it, he cant hear me the propellers are too loud and now Eatem is in trouble.....I have to hide and not tell a soul what I did........(sounds of a HearthStone) back to Undercity!!!

Jodmos; Hey Kiyo...where you been? Want to go do something, maybe another sorry PUG?

Kiyotimun; (nervously) huh not tonight Jod...I am not feeling very well and I think I need to leave town for a while......I will see you later...

Monday, April 10, 2006

The Commando Mission

Eatem: How come you didn’t heal anybody, Atohne?

Atohne: I was too busy examining these grime-encrusted objects and wondering how messy they were going to make my mooncloth bags. I made sure to put them all in one of my traveler’s backpacks. They’re dirty anyway!

Eatem: Why’d you pick them up anyway? You have to take them to one of the Sparklematic Washing Machines to get the grime off them and you detest using washing machines.

Atohne: I figured I could give them to Bart to wash. He seems eager to please!

Locksahn: We actually wiped in Gnomeregan! I’ll never be able to show my face in Orgrimmar. Imagine, an experienced team like ours actually wiping, when faced with these little glowy Gnomes!

Atohne: Well there was something like two hundred of them!

Eatem: What happened anyway?

Zarata: I’m sure it was Lock’s fault!

Bart: Nope, it was you Zarata! You were hanging over the handrail peering down below and checking out the view. You aggroed the whole place.

Locksahn: Well, as long as nobody says anything to anybody, our reputation will be secure. Otherwise, my hopes of getting on regular MC/ZG runs are toast!

Eatem: My lips are sealed!

Bart: I think I heard that before, Eatem. But, you’re still drooling all over the floor.

Atohne: Speaking of toast. I thought we were going to toast some gnomes. That’s the main reason, I came. Well, other than this ARCANE BOMBING mission. But, that was secondary.




Zarata: Speaking of the mission, Eatem, you should climb up into the cockpit while we get the bomb placed under the wing!

Eatem: Me, I thought the pilot was supposed to be hand-picked.

Locksahn: That’s why we rolled. You got the high roll, the honor is yours!

Eatem: I always get the high roll and I though we were rolling for that silly radioactive shirt that glows in the dark! Bart, seemed to think it would sell well at the auction house. Atohne didn’t even roll. She should roll too.

Atohne: I passed. I just came for some silk and toast! Honor means nothing to me.

Eatem: But, I don’t know how to fly this thing!

Bart flips open the glove compartment and extracts the operator’s manual. He hands it to Zarata, who flips through it and hands it to Eatem.

Zarata: Come on Eatem, you’re a quick study. The basic instructions are only three pages long!

Bart: Besides, here’s a parachute just in case something goes wrong!

Eatem: This parachute says “Hand Packed by Andawan.” Oh, I really don’t have a good feeling about this mission.

(Editor’s note: For those curious about Andawan’s parachutes, you might want to read about a former "fly-by-night" business enterprise that Andawan was running!)

Bart: Lock, the bomb’s in place. I think we’re ready. You should be able to turn Eatem into a Leper Gnome now. That should fool the Dwarves long enough to get the plane into the hanger in Ironforge.

Eatem: How do I get out, before the bomb goes off?

Lock, Bart and Zarata look at each other and then down at the ground. Atohne examines grime-encrusted objects in her traveler’s backpack.

Locksahn: You’ll think of something, Eatem!

Atohne: I also still think I’ve got that mortician’s card somewhere. He’s a master at putting bodies back together. Just look what he did with mine!

Eatem: As you are perfectly aware, that really is my body Atohne. Merely, your brain in my body! Just remember that!

Eatem with drooping shoulders, climbs up into the cockpit and Lock transforms him into a little greenish Leper Gnome. Eatem takes one last look at the operator’s manual and pushes the start button. The engine roars to life and the little plane starts to roll away. Bart, Lock and Zarata raise their fists high in the air, while Atohne kneels in prayer!

Bart, Locksahn, Zarata: For the Horde!

Atohne: You should have saved that roll, Eatem!

~ Atohne


The Arcanite Project

Quite sometime ago, Thrall set a task before all engineers who would accept the challenge: To become the greatest engineer in the land. At least two engineers, you are familiar with, accepted his rallying cry and began the competition. Winghong and Ikavi strived long and hard, expending vast sums of gold to become the finest engineer in all Azeroth.

Ikavi took an early lead by constructing the first set of jumper cables, but Winghong would not give up on this Technological Race. Eventually, Winghong persevered and pulled out ahead. Ikavi eventually, smashed all her tools and took up some other less meaningful pursuit.

Ultimately, Winghong stood at the pinnacle of engineering achievement. We, his guildmates, waited with pride and eager anticipation for Thrall’s big announcement to all Azeroth proclaiming Winghong as the master of technological wit.

However, the announcement was never made. In fact, Winghong disappeared altogether. It was rumored that he was squirreled away in some remote cavern and set to work on the creation of the Ultimate Weapon, the ARCANE BOMB! He was given only some bread and water and his mechanical squirrel for company. He was ordered to complete assembly of the bomb or he would never see the light of day! We don’t know for sure where Thrall sent him, but it has been rumored that southwest of the Crossroads in the Barrens, you could hear Winghong wailing and weeping in frustration because his cold numb fingers found it difficult to assemble the little bits and pieces of metal and wire together.

Oh Ikavi, you are quite fortunate that your fondness for Zombie Juice and Rumsey Rum left you behind in your technological battle of wills with Winghong. Or you might have suffered Winghong’s fate and been locked away for these many moons. Hmmmm! Now that I think about it. We haven’t seen Ikavi in awhile. Perhaps, Thrall thought Winghong needed a hand!

In any event, ultimately Winghong was successful! The ARCANE BOMB was ready to reveal its awesome destructive force. However, only one could be built and therefore it will not be tested. Instead, Thrall intends on using it to destroy the capital city of the Alliance. Yes, in one bold move, Ironforge itself would fall before the hammer blow of Thrall’s ARCANE BOMB.

Building the bomb however, is only part of the whole plan. Along with assembly of the bomb itself, a crack commando team was trained in a mission to deliver the bomb to Ironforge. This extremely devious plan, entailed the insertion of a team into the middle of Dun Morogh, within a stone’s throw of Ironforge. The team would teleport into Gnomeregan and capture one of the flying machines that the Gnomes left when they fled after a nuclear accident flooded the city with radiation. The team would then load the bomb onto the plane and a hand-picked pilot would approach Ironforge by air. The pilot would signal the air traffic control tower with the buzzbox codes, stolen by Locksahn, and obtain permission to land. The alliance would then pull the plane into the hanger located right smack in the middle of Ironforge’s war quarter.

The ARCANE BOMB will then be remote detonated and the blast will set off the munitions and goblin rocket fuel stored in the war quarter. The resulting conflagration will totally consume Ironforge! Imagine, without Ironforge, we might be able to continue our existence totally Lag free!

Har..Har…Har!

~ Atohne

P.S.: Stay tuned for the next installment --- The Commando Mission

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Dual Wielding Warlock

Only recently, has Atohne developed an interest in fishing and I nearly gave up on fishing myself, as a complete waste of time until I landed a 12 pound mud snapper. I considered throwing it back into the pond after getting a few whiffs of the disgusting odor. However, after gagging and retching for a few minutes, it dawned on me that this fish could be put to use.

After a few months of practice, I became the first Warlock to learn how to dual wield weapons!

Rokah, Dranlu, Sis and all you other warlocks should now bow down before my greatness or at least pay me a gold or two to attend my fish-wielding classes.

To prove it's effectiveness, I have dueled Andawan and Shaine and fought with some of the Alliance. It's seems to be extremely effective against Taurens and Night Elves due to their heightened sense of smell. I wish Jezalia had used her video camera to capture Andawan groveling before me as I whacked him with my fish. However, Shaine proved that druids can mount an effective defense. She shape-shifted into a bear, ate my weapon and then ripped me to shreds.

Ouch!

~ Decline